LAKE COWICHAN, B.C. – The RCMP, out in force again today arresting protesters trying to protect old growth trees on Vancouver Island, have detained one of the world’s most recognizable environmentalists: a small mustachioed figure known only as “The Lorax.”
“I am the Lorax, I speak for the-” the creature began to say before he was violently thrown to the ground by an RCMP officer and his tiny arms were zip-tied behind his back. The Lorax was then held onsite for ten hours before being moved for processing at the nearest police station in Lake Cowichan.
“I AM THE LORAX, I SPEAK FOR THE TREES! YOU’LL HEAR FROM MY LAWYERS!” he cried as he was kept on his knees.
The RCMP have spent the last two weeks enforcing a court order prohibiting protesters from obstructing the work of logging crews, resulting in the arrest of over 150 people and one shortish, oldish, brownish, mossy sort of man.
While the RCMP have refused to comment on any specific arrest, recent leaked documents confirm that the RCMP and CSIS have been colluding with the security sections of several private extraction corporations to monitor the Lorax’s activities for decades.
The Lorax is a polarizing figure in the environmental community, as some take issue with his bombastic pronouncements of singular authority. “This guy comes in and starts claiming that he speaks for the trees and everything else in the forest. Dude, we’re all here to speak for the trees,” said fellow protester Karen Elster. “Plus he’s terrible at communicating with industry, and his track record of saving trees is pretty dismal. When was the last time you saw a truffula tree?”
“But for all his faults, I can’t say he doesn’t have enthusiasm. Not many people have the wherewithal to curse the police officer who’s holding them by the neck with a rhyming couplet.”
Attempts by the Beaverton to interview the Lorax upon his release from custody were stymied when he lifted himself by the seat of his pants and attempted to fly away, before being promptly knocked out of the sky by an RCMP surveillance drone.
Jesus Christ is King
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