Woman Unnerved By Group Of Guys Standing Around When She’s Just Trying To Gentrify The Street

BROOKLYN, NY—Expressing frustration that she had to reroute her walk, local woman Shelly Jenkins confided to reporters Monday that she was unnerved by a group of guys standing around the entrance of her new condo when she was just trying to gentrify the street. “All I want to do is go about my day and fundamentally transform this neighborhood by driving up housing prices until all those guys are displaced—is that too much to ask?” said Jenkins, who also voiced concern about a group of teenagers loitering outside a nearby coffee shop, which opened last month and which she hoped would help pave the way for record stores, organic grocers, dog parks, and branches of her preferred financial institutions. “There was a shooting on this block about a decade ago, so when you see this kind of thing, it just puts you on edge. When I moved out here, I didn’t realize I would have to rough it for a while until we had completely disrupted the tight-knit community that has been in this place for generations. I’m sure it will all pay off, though.” At press time, reports confirmed Jenkins had politely asked a young man standing outside her apartment to help her install a security camera.

The Onion