‘I Don’t Study Science, I AM The Science,’ Growls Grizzled, Bald Dr. Fauci To Reporters

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Dr. Fauci went off on reporters this week in a press conference after being questioned on all the positions he has flip-flopped on over the last year. 

“Did you make a mistake, Dr. Fauci?” asked one reporter. “Maybe you just made a mistake in the science. That happens sometimes, right?”

Fauci, who was now sporting a goatee and shaved head, narrowed his eyes and growled at the reporters. 

“Who are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how much I make in a year? Even if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it! Do you know what would happen if I suddenly decided to stop going in to work? A network of laboratories big enough to be listed on the NASDAQ goes belly up. No, you CLEARLY don’t know who you’re talking to here,” yelled Fauci angrily. 

The reporters just sat there in stunned silence. 

“I am not studying science,” Fauci bellowed. “I AM THE SCIENCE!” 

The White House press pool then began to cry and apologize to Dr. Fauci, until Jen Psaki came in and passed out cookies and juice boxes to cheer everyone up.