Pfizer Announces Breakthrough Medication That Will Treat Executives To New Chalet In Swiss Alps

NEW YORK—Describing the new pharmaceutical as a revolution in the biomedical field, Pfizer announced Thursday a breakthrough medication that would treat executives to a new chalet in the Swiss alps. “What makes Execupril such a game-changer is that it finally gives hope to the executive community who have felt despair about whether they would ever be treated to a four-story chalet nestled in the Alps with a breathtaking view of the Matterhorn,” said the company in a press release, which featured promising findings from a double-blind study that showed the drug significantly improving executive’s outcomes in terms of access to extensive wraparound balconies, heated pools, and Valais-style kitchens with Blue Bahia granite countertops. “Many executives out there believed it would be decades before we discovered the sort of treatment that would allow them to sip Cornalin wine slopeside and nibble on fondue while overlooking St-Luc Chandolin. Today, thanks to our research team, that dream is a reality.” The press release added that if subsequent studies bore out, the medication could also be used to treat board members to a penthouse in Monaco.

The Onion