Former High School Classmates Hold Summit At Local Bar To Resume Multilateral Shit Talks

EVANSTON, IL—The high-level meetings having been triggered by a quorum of participants returning to their hometown for a visit, sources confirmed a group of former high school classmates convened at a local bar Friday to resume their longstanding series of multilateral shit talks. “Motion to pick up where we left off two years ago at the reunion, when all parties came to a historic, unanimous agreement that Brian Jennings was and will always be a douchebag,” moderator Dana Foley said as she ordered the ceremonial round of Miller High Life and Jose Cuervo shots that signaled the start of the three-day summit, which would cover who was married, divorced, or still living with their parents over the course of several brunches, numerous day-drinking sessions, and a viewing of The Sweetest Thing, per tradition. “I’m pleased to report our lead negotiators have made significant progress in drafting the Jason Gorman Accords, our pact formally condemning Jason as a fucking loser who can’t hold down a relationship—or even a job, let’s be honest—for longer than a month. We also have a request to revisit our 2017 settlement decreeing that Brit Toohey is not welcome at Tiana’s birthday party until she apologizes for making out with Jen Hough that one time six years ago, as there has recently been a thaw in relations between the aggrieved factions. But first, we invite each representative to deliver an opening statement on this year’s theme, which is that Carol is totally wasting herself on that asshole Jim and her excuses for not dumping him are bullshit.” At press time, the shit talks were reportedly proceeding as expected, with Carol having locked herself in the bar’s bathroom to cry.

The Onion