ST. CATHARINES, ON – 6 year old Caylen Phillips, who has an obsession with football, received cupcakes at his recent birthday party which were shaped and designed to look like tiny footballs. However, these cupcakes tasted like literal ass.
The cupcakes in question, which were spheroid shaped, covered in brown fondant (which is french for “tarp you can eat”), with white-dyed liquorice to act as lace, were created from a local cupcake shop called The Cake Bossgirl.
“We thought it would be cute, you know?” said Caylen’s father, Bentley Phillips as he tried to wipe brown dye from his stained lips. “But the kids refused to eat them because they taste like stale bread covered in hardened pool chemicals. You bite into these motherfuckers and see God for a sec.”
Phillips continued to cuss as he complained each cupcake cost him $16.
“They’re artisanal, and technically, legally ornamental,” stated Miriam Rennie, founder and head baker at The Cake Bossgirl. “I went to OCAD for design, so I know what I’m doing.” When asked about baking experience, Rennie tried to distract us with tiny cupcakes that looked like a shark coming out of the water and we had to give it to her for that one.
Other goods sold at The Cake Bossgirl include macarons covered in a gold sheen that tastes like someone vomited gummy bears and then let them harden in the sun, and $22 cake pops that are just styrofoam with paint – not even the acrylic kind that’s safe if a child gets some in its mouth, we’re talking full toxic paint.
Phillips further complained that the cupcakes were guaranteed to be Instagram-worthy, but the party attendees, who were all aged between 3-5 years old, were crying and messy in every photo. “I thought, at least all our parent-friends will be jealous, but instead I gave all their friends super diarrhea,” Phillips said.
At press time, the Canadian Department of National Defence was meeting to discuss how they could use these ass-tasting treats as torture weapons against enemy combatants.
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