Uber Promises They’re Taking Every Screwed-Up Step They Can To Decrease Ride Fees

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to lay to rest concerns that their business model was no longer viable, Uber issued a statement Monday promising they were taking every fucked-up step they could to decrease ride fees. “Although some users may be experiencing prices that are higher than expected right now, please know that we’re working hard behind the scenes doing absolutely unconscionable shit to pass on savings to you,” said CEO Dara Khosrowshahi, who assured customers that the rideshare company was responding to reports of skyrocketing prices by considering a variety of tactics ranging from “merely unsettling” to “absolutely illegal.” “Trust us, no one finds this trend more disturbing than we do, and no one is taking more disturbing measures to correct it. We’re working around the clock to get prices down in the most inhumane way possible. Please be patient as we work to skirt the lines of ethics and then trample right over them.” At press time, Khosrowshahi thanked the many state legislatures across the country currently assisting the company in their goal.

The Onion