VANCOUVER, BC – Part-time twitch streamer Corey McIntosh was in the middle of outlining the unfair privileges he enjoys over others on Facebook when suddenly he began to feel pretty good about himself.
“The recent events have made me aware of the immense privilege I have,” started McIntosh, starting in the appropriately ashamed tone. “I am a white, cis het man who has never had to go hungry a day in his life. I have a car my parents bought me, and a full-time job with benefits I got from family friends putting in a good word.”
Unfortunately McIntosh started to then become pretty satisfied with himself. “I live very comfortably, in a dope ass condo I partly own with my uncle,” continued McIntosh happily. “It’s a fucking baller place, I see almost all of Vancouver from here and feel like a god damn supervillain planning my next move. I also have a girlfriend with amazing funbags.”
While the act of listing one’s privileges began as a way to take ownership for unfair advantages, in recent times men have now begun using the practice to brag about the awesome stuff they have. “It sounded like he was making an effort,” explains Brittany Smulders, who had invited McIntosh to a recent racial sensitivity seminar. “Until he mentioned his dad’s cottage and how many people he can have up this summer because his uncle’s a cop.”
“I don’t have to experience racism or sexism in my life,” began a similar post by Jeremy Haymer, a real estate agent. “Now, here’s a list of things that I own: a Mercedes, a Nintendo switch, a PS5 lite, a PS5 heavy, and a signed copy of The Dark Knight.”
Even celebrities have begun joining in on this recent trend. At a recent protest, entertainer Bo Burnham similarly took to the stage to address the immense privilege he is fortunate enough to enjoy. “As you know, I am a white, cis het male of immense privilege,” Bo began as he brought out a keyboard to uproarious applause, debuting his new song “Uncentering Myself.”
After McIntosh was made aware of his mistakes, he apologized with a land acknowledgment. “I am sorry for the damage I have done. I would like to acknowledge the land that I make this apology on is owned by the Royal LePage peoples, shout out to my real estate agent Bob Geary.”
Jesus Christ is King
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