New School Curriculum Just 6 Straight Hours Of Staring Slack-Jawed At American Flag

KNOXVILLE, TN—Following passage of a state law that withholds funding from districts that acknowledge the existence of systemic racism or white privilege, Knox County Schools unveiled Tuesday a new curriculum that consists of nothing but staring slack-jawed at an American flag for six hours a day. “By requiring students in grades K through 12 to gaze unblinkingly at the flag all morning and afternoon, we can ensure our kids do not learn anything that has been prohibited by the legislature,” said Chris Benson, a local parent and school board member, explaining that full compliance with the ban on critical race theory would be maintained by instructing children to clear their minds of any forbidden ideas while they directed a vacant look at an American flag blowing freely in the wind. “Now, if a teacher wishes to instruct students to spend the first three hours of the day focusing on the flag’s stars, for example, and then the next three hours focusing on the stripes, that’s completely acceptable. In addition, if the flag is affixed to a pole topped by one of those gold eagles, it is okay to stare blankly at that for a while. What we don’t want is any historical context to seep in and sully that great symbol of liberty. No, sir.” At press time, the new curriculum was reportedly amended so that a few hours of the day could also be spent staring at a Confederate flag.

The Onion