ANN ARBOR, MI—Marking the end of its pandemic-era safety precautions, Domino’s announced Wednesday that the single pathetic little booths attached to their storefront are now open for dine-in orders. “We’re thrilled to announce that starting today, all our small, hard plastic seats are available for one pitiful diner to wolf down their food as quickly as possible,” said CEO Richard Allison, telling reporters that Domino’s fans could soon be hunching over their small pizza or hot sandwich in the poorly ventilated room while trying not to eavesdrop on the employees yelling at each other. “We’re looking forward to welcoming any lonely, disheveled individuals with absolutely no other option who just need a place to shove something into their faces before continuing their equally bleak and depressing lives.” Allison added that for the time being, Domino’s would maintain its outdoor dining option of balancing the box on your lap while sitting cross-legged on the curb next to the trash can.
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