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CEO Of Troubled Company Accepts Full Compensation For His Mistakes

Illustration for article titled CEO Of Troubled Company Accepts Full Compensation For His Mistakes

NEW YORK—Saying he was “ready to own it,” Dan Burnside, departing CEO of the troubled Fortune 500 company Adelwright Industries, announced Friday he would be accepting full compensation for mistakes he made that jeopardized the business. “I stand before you today humbled by my past missteps, and in order to make amends, I’m willing to swallow any exit package of at least $65 million the board offers me,” Burnside said in a remote address to employees from his ranch in Wyoming, where he reportedly plans to take several months off at full salary prior to his official retirement from the company in mid-2022. “Ultimately, as the head of this company, it’s up to me to shoulder the entire burden of a massive cash bonus, as well as stock options that ensure as much of the profit as possible falls on me. Though we’re hurting right now, I’m asking you to keep your heads up, because even when I’m no longer your CEO, I’ll still be there to take whatever you throw my way. That’s right—I’m going to stay on the payroll for years as a nominal consultant.” Burnside went on to admit that of all the controversial decisions he had made as CEO, the most costly would be forcing the company to pay eight, possibly nine, figures just to make him go away.

The Onion

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