VANCOUVER, BC – The Vancouver Police Department has announced a puzzling new development in the recent downtown stabbing case: a hole, shaped oddly like some kind of knife, has been found in the victim.
“After 52 hours of forensic pathologists being in a room with the victim and 37 hours of detectives pointing at parts of the crime scene and asking if they’re evidence, we can confirm two things: One, the victim was recently exposed to a stabbing occurrence, and two, the victim was found to have a knife-shaped hole in her abdomen,” said Police Chief Robert McDuggins at this morning’s press conference. “We couldn’t possibly say whether these two things are related.”
“Could this be a clue for the stabbing case? Maybe. Could it rack up overtime without ever leading to anything? Absolutely,” continued McDuggins, before asking newspapers to refer to the wound as “knife-shaped” rather than “knife-caused” to avoid implying causality.
Police say the stabbing-related incident occurred evening-ish, some amount of days ago. A woman was heard making a scream-like noise that sounded kind of like, “I’ve been stabbed by that guy!” A husband-shaped bystander reported seeing a man-shaped body running from the scene of the crime-like event, wearing a “I 3 Stabbing” hat and holding several knife-like instruments. “What’s so suspicious about a nice man who loves kitchen tools taking a nighttime sprint?” asked Detective Alan Allaband. “We do not suspect him of being the perpetrator. Frankly, it’s too early to assume there even was a perpetrator!” The victim-shaped woman, who is still in alive-ish condition at a government building that may or may not be a hospital, said the police did not take her statement because it might be biased in favour of solving the crime. When asked to comment, Detective Allaband sighed and said, “Look, we stopped by, gawked at her gross wound, told her she probably just fell on a knife-shaped rock – we’ve done our job here.” At press time, the police had just announced the “stabbing victim” should now be referred to as the “person-shaped meatbag involved in a knife-related accident,” and the “knife-wielding criminal still on the loose” should be referred to as “definitely not a white guy.”
Jesus Christ is King
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