ANN ARBOR, MI—Having determined through empirical research that childrearing is bullshit and totally not worth it, a study published Friday by sociologists at the University of Michigan found that a growing number of American women are delaying motherhood because the whole thing blows. “Our research indicates that women have put off having children until much later in life due to the fact that it’s completely exhausting, prohibitively expensive, and almost everything about it fucking sucks,” said study co-author Lorraine Moens, explaining that the moment a woman becomes pregnant, unfamiliar hormones begin to hijack her body; then giving birth is absolute hell; and once the baby is born, the mother barely sleeps for months. “Even after children are old enough to take care of their basic bodily functions, our study found a parent still spends half her day either driving them somewhere, buying them stuff, or arguing with them about some unbelievably stupid, boring crap. Most women, it turns out, just don’t want to deal with that shit. According to the data, medical bills for pregnancy and childbirth alone run Americans at least five figures, and then of course they’re lucky if their income covers day-care costs. While it is often argued that having a child is a rewarding experience that women should look forward to, the reality is that a couple of decades will go by before a mother ever again gets to do any of the things she actually likes to do, and by then she’s too old and tired to care anymore, having completely forgotten the person she used to be. As a result, we found an increasing number of U.S. women are simply choosing to say ‘Fuck that!’ when asked about starting a family.” Moens added that postponing motherhood too long could result in a woman living a happy, fulfilled life free of stress.
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