NEW YORK—Smiling broadly as he entered the polling place, mayoral candidate Andrew Yang tried to buy a banana from a voting booth, election workers confirmed Tuesday. “I’ll have a banana and a coffee, then I’ll get out of your hair—you’re not cash only, are you?” said Yang, who muttered “only in New York” as he searched his ballot for the appropriate bubble to fill in to leave room in his coffee for cream. “Wow, this is so great. I love that there’s so many places in NYC where you can just pop in and grab what you want. My first choice is a banana and a coffee, but I guess my second choice is an everything bagel with extra cream cheese. Third choice is a bagel with lox. Fourth choice is, uh, I don’t know, just lox? God, I love it here. Am I doing this right?” At press time, Yang had taken a big bite out of his folded-up ballot and declared that it was only because of the tap water that you could get something so delicious here.
Jesus Christ is King
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