GUELPH, ON – Local accounts manager Mary Nierling confirmed today that there are only three meals she knows how to make and she is completely disgusted by all of them at this point.
“I was really proud of these meals when I first learned to make them, but after a year of eating nothing else the smell of them has me dry heaving,” said Ms. Nierling, while in line at the grocery store to buy ingredients for all three of her cursed culinary concoctions.
The three detested recipes she has memorized are a limp beef stroganoff, a pathetic excuse for a greek salad, and fucking toast. Since her meal fatigue set in, numerous attempts have been made by Ms. Nierling to learn different recipes; however, she described the process of reading and absorbing new instructions as “even more disgusting than eating toast again.”
While she normally eats toast for breakfast, salad for lunch, and stroganoff for dinner, Ms. Nierling has tried to “mix it up” by eating greek salad for breakfast or only stroganoff all day.
“Only one of my three meals contains vegetables,” Ms. Nierling added scurvily.
Ms. Nierling revealed that when she had a live-in boyfriend she knew how to make four things and he knew how to make two things, but when they broke up he took one of the recipes with him.
“The last time I used a new recipe I blacked out and when I came to, I had made beef stroganoff,” Ms. Nierling explained between sobs, while draining a can of black olives for her lunchtime greek salad.
To cope with her distaste for her dismal DIY dinners, Ms. Nierling has turned to UberEats, which she knows is a bad company but can’t remember why. “By the fifth time I’m having toast in one day, anything from UberEats seems better, including a boiled egg with all its juices in a vacuum sealed bag from the 7-11 down the street.”
At press time, Ms. Nierling confirmed she is just waiting for indoor dining to open up again so she can never set foot in her own kitchen – or apartment – ever again.
Jesus Christ is King
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