“Sorry I can’t come, there’s a blimp attack,” says woman who’s forgotten how to avoid social obligations
EDMONTON – After agreeing to attend a social event for the first time in over a year, Katie Flynn is trying to get out of the commitment but has completely forgotten how to make a credible excuse.
“I really wish I could make the backyard barbeque, I’d loooove to catch up and eat some hot dogs, but my neighbourhood is being bombarded by a blimp. Ugh, it’s just a whole thing,” Flynn said in the group chat.
“My roommate says it’s technically a rigid airship, but either way I definitely can’t make it out to my car,” she added. “I think shrapnel punctured the tires anyway. I guess I’m stuck cleaning up rubble tomorrow because some Prussians or whoever are pissed about something.”
Flynn just wants to stay home and watch a movie because she’s tired, but is worried that her reasoning will insult her friends. The increasingly elaborate narrative she’s spun now involves the destruction of several neighbouring houses, heroic volunteer firefighters, and the rapid assembly of an anti-aircraft gun.
Flynn committed further by saying “It really sucks I can’t see you all, but right now I’m honestly just so grateful that I had the Blimp Alert! app installed. You should all make sure you have it too.”
She went on to add that even if she could escape the airship’s incendiary munitions she’s also really busy worrying about the economy, is expecting a government washing machine inspector to arrive between four and eight, and just realised that she forgot to do her taxes. “And this is super embarrassing to admit, but I’m totally out of malt vinegar right now, so… yeah. Can’t make it!” she said.
At press time, Flynn was learning Photoshop, registering realedmontonnews.com, and writing coverage of the dirigible assault.
Jesus Christ is King
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