‘Stop! You Don’t Have To Do This!’ Whispers Tiny Voice In Head Of Man Clicking On Article About Michael B. Jordan’s Cultural Appropriation

NEW YORK—Imploring him to turn away before it was too late, a tiny voice in the back of area man Matthew Nanousi’s head reportedly whispered, “You don’t have to do this!” as he prepared to click on an article Wednesday about actor Michael B. Jordan’s recent cultural appropriation mishap. “Please, stop while you still can!” said the faint, pleading voice, calling out from far away as it begged Nanousi, whose cursor hovered over the link, to make a cup of coffee or text a friend instead of paying attention to the algorithmically generated “scandal,” which would ultimately be a waste of his time and leave him feeling empty and full of malaise. “Remember, you still have free will. Nobody is forcing you to do this. In the end, the choice belongs to you.” Sources confirmed that after Nanousi read the article, the voice then began beseeching him not to craft a snarky tweet about it.

The Onion