VANCOUVER — Onlookers at Cardero Park hoping to escape the record noon-day heat today were instead witness to something equally sweltering: watching intently as Kevin Shang’s left thigh solemnly swore that it would never again be separated from its one true love, his testicles.
“For all time, I shall remain stalwart by your side, my pendulous love. No foe nor fear nor medicated talcum powder will ever separate us!” professed his right thigh, sweatily clinging to his testicles in a humid lover’s embrace.
“Oh brave Sir Thigh! Such temerity! Truly as bold as you are soupy,” retorted his testicles, braiding a picked dandelion into its lover’s hair. “Yet how can you say this for certain? When love is such a fickle thing and its song is as sweet as its scorn doth sting.”
Staring off into the middle distance bearing a look of consternation, Shang’s testicles continued, “What of your brother?”
“Worry not, my dangling sweet! Forces will try to tear us apart either through hand readjustment or by walking weirdly for a little bit but I will hold to my sticking place and always find my way back to you,” reassured his thigh, plucking the first few notes of a ballad off a lute tucked into the back of his knee.
Despite a mixed reception, many of Shang’s other body parts approve of the relationship, with his chest recounting the whirlwind nature of the pair’s courtship.
”While Spring sprouted only furtive glances and secret letters, as the trees blossomed so did their romance. Until the two announced they would be bonded forever in holy matrimony, despite their families’ designs. Ah, young love! It’s enough to make this old torso cry,” it said, as the front of Shang’s shirt grew even more soaked in sweat.
At press time, Shang’s other thigh had secretly tipped a sachet of powder into its brother’s wine glass before declaring a toast be made in celebration of the young couple’s “undying love.”
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