Contractor Informs Biden It’d Be Cheaper To Just Tear Down U.S. And Start Over

WASHINGTON—Shaking his head and sighing while poking around various rotting, dilapidated sections of the 3.8-million-square-mile country, local contractor Randy Alonzo looked President Joe Biden in the eye Friday and told him that it would be cheaper just to tear down the United States and start over. “Yeah, no, I’ll be honest, this whole friggin’ place, from California to New York, all the way down to the tip of Florida, is a mess, and if I were you, I’d just consider shit-canning the whole thing and building back from the ground up,” said Alonzo, adding that while he was fully expecting to find some disrepair in a 244-year-old nation, he wasn’t prepared for a total “gut job” with lead pipes in every major city, huge cracks all up and down the west coast, standing water throughout the south, as well as an unidentifiable toxic sludge all throughout the midwest. “I just don’t see any way we can save this. Are you aware Arkansas, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Missouri, and Tennessee were all built on floodplains? And I can’t even tell my guys to start inspecting Pennsylvania without the proper hazmat suits, given all the asbestos. Listen, I get that there’s a lot of historical charm that you want to save in New England and everything, but that stuff hasn’t really been maintained since 1960. If I were you, I’d try to start finding some more money for this reno, because that $6 billion bipartisan deal isn’t exactly going to cut it.” Alonzo confirmed he could technically cut corners and just do cosmetic upgrades, but unless he shored up the foundation, Biden would have a real hard time unloading a rat-infested, fire-prone, depreciating country on the next guy.

The Onion