LONDON—Mumford and Sons banjo player Winston Marshall had a rude awakening this morning when he found the bloody, decapitated corpse of his banjo at the edge of his bed. While authorities are still attempting to uncover the specifics of the individual or group of individuals who may have committed the atrocious act against Marshall’s beloved instrument, Marshall says he believes he knows who is behind the grisly act.
“It was either Antifa or maybe someone from the band,” Marshall told reporters. “Both had a huge issue with me liking a book by Andy Ngo and admitting to that publicly.” Reporters then asked, “Who the heck is Andy Ngo?”
Marshall then went on to announce he would be leaving the band because he did not want any more bloodshed to occur simply because he doesn’t show full unquestioning public support for a group of people in black hoods who routinely hurt people, burn down buildings, and throw rocks and fire at people.
Mumford and Sons band members announced that they wish Marshall the best in his new journey of self-discovery and putting a giant target on himself by riling up rabid leftist Twitter mobs. The band also announced that they will update their name to “Mumford and Sons Who Keep Their Mouths Shut About Antifa, We Love You Antifa, We Don’t Want Any Trouble.”
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