Raid Introduces Holy Water-Infused Spray That Allows Cockroaches To Be Baptized And Die As Christians

RACINE, WI—Touting the new product as a more compassionate way to end the lives of common household pests, Raid introduced a holy water–infused spray Friday that allows cockroaches to be baptized and die as Christians. “We know how important it is to rid your home of roaches, moths, spiders, and other bugs, and now you can do so without damning their souls to languish in Hell for all eternity,” said Fisk Johnson, CEO of Raid parent company SC Johnson, explaining that the new product had been developed after local clergy came forward with concerns about the cruel fate befalling the souls of bugs that die without being baptized. “Customers who purchase a can of our holy water–infused Raid can rest assured that they’re spraying insects with liquid that was blessed at our giant factory fonts by Catholic priests. Of course, it is up to the individual cockroach whether they want to embrace the Lord as their own true savior, but we at Raid believe that we should not deny them this opportunity by condemning them to death unbaptized. It also works on eggs, so unborn cockroaches will be baptized as well. We just wanted to do our part to get an infestation of cockroaches up in Heaven.” Catholic Church officials reportedly applauded Raid’s holy water–infused spray, calling it the most merciful new pest-removal product since Tomcat unveiled mouse traps containing the Eucharist.

The Onion