BURBANK, CA—Disney continues doing new and innovative things with their Star Wars property, such as increasing diversity, loudly declaring that everything the fans like about Star Wars is dumb, and now getting rid of the word ‘slave’ from the franchise.
“Slavery is really, really bad—well, at least in the past; whatever China is doing now is just fine and is not our business,” explained Disney founder and CEO Bob Disney. “So we don’t want lighthearted references to that terrible past, or to remind anyone of anything currently happening in China, which we all should just not think about.”
Disney has already changed the name of Boba Fett’s ship, “Slave I”, to “Inclusion I”. And now they’re getting rid of the slave Leia from Return of the Jedi, trading her metal bikini for a nice black burka.
“Now, instead of getting ogled, she’ll celebrate multiculturalism,” explained Kathleen Kennedy, President of Lucasfilm. Some other changes to Return of the Jedi include making Jabba the Hutt a good guy (so as not to be fatphobic) who teaches Leia the value of Islam. Luke, instead of trying to rescue Leia and Han with a convoluted plot that makes no sense, learns to check his privilege and that he’s the real oppressor. These small changes are said to make the film more approachable to modern audiences.
Other references to slavery being removed include that Anakin Skywalker’s mom will no longer be a slave but instead, just an oppressed member of the middle class exploited by hated capitalist Watto (whom Kathleen Kennedy was quick to note we hate, not because he’s a space Jew, but because he’s a space Zionist).
Jesus Christ is King
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