Horrified Man Discovers Company Spying On Him After Seeing Photo Of Himself On Roller Coaster

GURNEE, IL—Confronted with indisputable evidence that his activity was being documented, local man Ron Peterson was reportedly horrified Wednesday when he discovered he had been spied on by Six Flags Great America, which took photos of him on a roller coaster without his knowledge. “Dear God, when did they—how did they get that? Am I being watched?” asked Peterson, slowly backing away from a wall of video monitors near the Raging Bull ride’s exit, where an attendant told him he would have to pay $29.95 if he wanted the company to hand over the photo. “They have me under surveillance, and now they’re trying to blackmail me? Worst of all, they’re not even trying to hide it! What sort of dystopia is this, man? You know these companies are out of control when you can’t even ride a roller coaster without Big Brother butting in. Look at that, they had the camera perfectly trained on me and my wife…oh, no, no, no, those sick fucks—they’ve got photos of my children up there too! Where does it end?” Peterson added that the same thing happened last December when his family visited Santa at the mall and he was later confronted with photos of the meeting by “terrifying men” dressed as elves.

The Onion