Vaccine-hesitant man now forced to pick from weird brands he’s never heard of

MOOSEJAW, SK — After months of hemming and hawing, local pipe-fitter Alvin Cummings finally booked his first-dose vaccination at a local clinic and upon arriving was dismayed to learn that they no longer had any AstraZeneca, Pfizer or Moderna shots available, nor did they have any Johnson & Johnson, Sinopharm, Sputnik V, Sputnik Lite, Covacin, CoviVac, Convidecia, or QazCovid-in.

Cummings, 55, is among the last of his age group in Saskatchewan to be vaccinated despite having been eligible for months now. Cummings explains his hesitancy, “There was so much cross-talk at first [about the vaccine] and I figured I could just wait it out, like with the pigeon I have trapped in my bathroom. Besides, I never get the flu shot and I’ve only gotten the flu twenty or thirty times.”

Standing in the clinic waiting area, he carefully read through the list of on-hand vaccines that nursing staff repeatedly assured him were “uh, yeah, just as good” as the name brands.

“Dear lord, I’ve never heard of any of these. CORO-Nsil? Zastranæneca? This one is just called Goodvaccine,” remarked Cummings, brow-furrowed.

Frantically researching these mystery vaccines on his phone, he assessed his options.

“Ok, so Covi-cetera is an mRNA vaccine, uh huh, no cases of blood clots, looks good, but one of the uncommon side-effects is excessive bone perspiration. Is there a regular amount of bone perspiration? Nevermind. Ooh, this one looks promising. GlorpoVaxx has the same efficacy as Moderna or Pfizer— with just sixteen ocular injections!? Why?!”

The situation at the clinic further deteriorated after a rumoured Pfizer shipment was later revealed to be the Ukraine-developed Fyzӱr vaccine, which reportedly doubles as a pet shampoo.

With his appointment window rapidly closing, a reticent Cummings wordlessly walked into the examination room and later updated his Facebook status asking if “anyone was on #teamGlorpoVaxx.”

Beaverton