109 Details About ‘Grand Theft Auto VI’ We’re Throwing Out Because You Never Know We Might Be Right

Hot on the heels of the announcement that the next Grand Theft Auto is due out in 2025, it’s time to dive into some of the most tantalizing rumors surrounding what’s sure to be one of the defining games of the next generation. Here are 108 details about Grand Theft Auto VI that we’re throwing out because you never know, we might be right?

• Cars: The game will feature cars. Seems like a no-brainer.
• There’s a dog: Dogs in other GTA titles. Dogs in this one.
• People!: Gotta have people to hit with your car.
• You can hit fire hydrants: Uh-huh.
• Francis Androwski, a 47-year-old widower, will be an NPC in the game: As the owner of an HVAC company who lives with his two teenage children, Androwski will not play an integral role in the GTA VI narrative, but players can visit his home and watch him learn how to garden and read page-turners by Stieg Larsson and Dan Brown. Maybe this won’t be a character, though. Who knows?
• Character has a few feet: At least one. Maybe three.
• Tostitos but not too many: Don’t want to go overboard and have, like, the entire game world be covered in Tostitos.
• Air: Sure, that’s probably going to be in the game, too.
• Murder in the game will now require gamers to consider Albert Camus’s conception of “justified killing” in a secular ideological age: Springboarding from Nietzsche’s famed proclamation that “God is dead and we have killed him,” any murder of a character will prompt users to consider what exterior force or justification—short of a transcendent deity’s commandments—could possibly allow the ending of another life. One consideration is that an individually propagated rebellion propounds a universal morality, per The Rebel’s famed opening chapters.
• Zombie Slayer Mode: Admittedly, this is unconfirmed. But it makes sense that Rockstar would include a mode in which your criminal character can mow down zombies. This is a popular feature in other games.
• No Zombie Slayer Mode: Rockstar may want to strike a more serious tone in this title, and thus elect to not include a zombie slayer mode.
• Only A Zombie Slayer Mode: It would be a shocking change to the series to strip out any crime-based storyline, cars, and open-world illegal activities of any sort and opt to instead make the game entirely a linear shooter where you kill zombies, but our source has not denied the possibility that Rockstar may do this.
• Rename Game Zombie Slayer Simulator III: Baffling as it may be, we have to be prepared for the possibility that the game won’t be called Grand Theft Auto VI at all and instead be stylized as Zombie Slayer Simulator III with blood dripping off the font and box art of a scary haunted mansion.
• Two moons? Three?: Sure! What the hell. We’re going to start just listing these off rather than giving explanations. There are way too many possibilities here for us to give our thoughts on every single one.
• Game takes place in space or hell
• Or maybe it takes place in medieval Mongolia
• Main character’s catchphrase is “Slark!”
• Dick Cavett is the only character
• Abortions will be strictly illegal in the game
• Entire game in greyscale. Because you are a dog
• You fly an airplane with the Big Bopper
• Ragtime soundtrack
• Sorceress Sylvia Plath is the main villain
• Can be sprayed by a skunk
• Characters will not have the ability to say the word “verisimilitude” without stumbling on it a few times
• Some of the NPCs are Asian, some not
• It will be first released into the sea before hitting game stores
• You play as Betty Boop
• Our dad is there in-game even though he passed away in 2009
• Character stops in front of every place on the street saying “They have good tacos there”
• Every character will have strabismus, a congenital eye condition, which goes unmentioned throughout the game
• Your character rides a snowboard: Wait… no. Forget that one. Doesn’t make sense. That was dumb. Sorry.
• Your character rides a skateboard
• Backward compatible with the Atari Jaguar
• You can drive a taxi
• Jesus IS lord in Grand Theft Auto VI, but not in real life
• You will not have the ability to steal cars
• Smell-o-vision that makes everything smell like rotting shrimp no matter where you are
• Graphics will be better than previous iterations
• Multiple characters and scenarios will be playable
• The cover will be a cityscape viewed through two fish-netted women’s legs astride
• Unconfirmed appearance of water: Don’t hold us to this one.
• “Represents a whole new chapter in the gaming franchise”
• “Disrupts the gaming industry”
• “Many surprises still in store.” Etcetera
• There will be online or offline modes. But not both
• Over 3 playable hours
• Helicopters
• Alphabetically would be placed after the other GTA games on your shelf
• Fans of the GTA series will probably enjoy this
• Will require a controller to play
• Possibly the latest in the GTA series
• Developed by Rockstar Games
• There’s probably some point at which you can go on top of a building
• May use the electrical current in the circuit boards of your computer to generate a complex graphical landscape in which you can perform illicit activities
• Characters will have the ability to look left, right, and possibly even up
• Can make character left-handed
• Charlie the Tuna is there and he sucks
• The only car in the game will be an enormous horse saddle clearly imported from Red Dead Redemption 2
• GTA VI’s online mode will run exclusively on a 56k modem
• Set somewhere between 3,000,000,000 BC and 2016 AD
• Soundtrack will be Maxwell’s cover of “This Women’s Work” on permanent repeat
• Videos of the games secrets will appear on YouTube after the game’s release. They will be fine.
• The game will span multiple cities and towns, including a fictionalized Portland, ME; Augusta, ME; and Freeport, ME
• Script will address why all the characters are jerky and spout terrible dialogue in previous games with the revelation that there is a massive nationwide gas-leak from Los Santos to Liberty City
• The beginning of the game is like Deadwood and The Sopranos combined with The Deuce. Plus, there’s probably a little bit of The Shield in there. Oh man, so cool…
• If you die in real life while playing the game, the death will be permanent
• Probably a good way to relax after a hard day working at a factory or thankless service industry job
• The game could come out tomorrow. It won’t. But it could.
• There are three main characters named Huey, Dewey and Louie
• Will be voice acted but all the words are garbled and incomprehensible
• Can join the volunteer fire department

Last but not least, we’re just going to list some objects that might be featured in the game!

• Table
• Mug
• Tissue box
• Computer
• Water bottle (plastic)
• Water bottle (metal)
• Wall Clock
• Coffee table
• End table
• Armoire
• Credenza
• Chifferobe
• Ottoman
• Persian Rug
• Tarim Mummy
• Feet
• Feets
• Hands
• Various Spectrometers (Optical absorption, optical emission, etc…)
• Williams Sonoma Philips Smart Pasta Maker Plus
• Williams Sonoma Philips Compact Pasta Maker For Two
• Williams Sonoma Walnut Ravioli Stamps
• Williams Sonoma 4-In-1 Pasta Shape Kit
• Imperia Pasta Machine
• Smeg Pasta Roller & Cutter Set
• KitchenAid Pasta Pack
• Marcato Ravioli Tablet & Roller
• Williams Sonoma Pasta Dryer
• Philips Compact Pasta Maker Accessory Kit
• Cuisinart Pastafecto Pasta and Bread Dough Maker
• KitchenAid 3-Piece Pasta Roller & Cutter Set
• Jeremy Bentham’s Taxidermied Corpse

…and those are all of the most tantalizing details we have on GTA VI so far! Of course, some of this is still tentative and some is outright speculation. But one thing is for sure, we already can’t wait to play the next installment in Rockstar’s blockbuster series!

The Onion