Congressional Democrats Put On Elaborate 4th Of July Pageant To Teach Republicans Importance Of Democracy

WASHINGTON—In an effort to educate the opposition party on the true value of civic engagement, congressional Democrats staged an elaborate 4th of July pageant Friday in an effort to teach their Republican colleagues the importance of democracy.

Sources confirmed that the four-hour “star-spangled spectacular,” which involved months of preparation headed up by Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, provided one blow-out night of freedom, fun, and refreshments. The Independence Day pageant, staged for the benefit of Congressional Republicans to promote consensus-building and working together, reportedly featured a variety of songs, dances, and skits from Democratic representatives tied to the loose theme of “America The Beautiful.”

“The Republicans refuse to accept the majesty and preciousness of our democracy, and so we have no choice but to offer them this no-holds-barred, musical extravaganza,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), pointing to a scene in which Tim Kaine (D-VA) donned a dress and bonnet to portray Susan B. Anthony as well as members of the Oversight and Reform Committee filing into the auditorium playing “Yankee Doodle Dandy” on the recorder as particularly uplifting moments that helped convey the responsibility of honorably serving your constituents. “We’ve been rehearsing for months, learning choreography, and researching our state’s foods and traditions to really show how amazing this country can be, and our hope is that everybody who sees the show is going to come away feeling the weight of history on their shoulders, as well as humming a few classic patriotic tunes.”

“It is not hyperbole to say that our nation is on the precipice of disaster,” continued Schumer. “So, we’ve been pulling out all the stops to make sure that every performance really dazzles.”

Several eyewitness accounts revealed that the pageant featured involvement from every Democratic legislator except Joe Manchin (D-WV) who refused to participate if there were no Republican performers present. The patriotic program also included Sen. Ed Markey (D-MA) proudly marching in place while singing “My Country ’Tis Of Thee” and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi wearing a homemade Statue of Liberty costume and twirling on the stage with American flag handkerchiefs.

Attendees confirmed that the show concluded with a lively, heartfelt climax in which the entire caucus held up sparklers while singing a medley including “This Land Is Your Land” and “You’re A Grand Old Flag,” adding that despite a few minor flubs, such as Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) struggling for several minutes to light a cigarette while playing FDR and Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) forgetting her line about California’s main exports and running offstage crying, it was a generally enjoyable event.

According to sources, several Democrats expressed disappointment that no Republican officials had chosen to attend apart from Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY), who reportedly only stayed long enough to fill a plate with red-white-and-blue sugar cookies before quickly exiting.

“I can’t believe they learned all those lines,” said Heather Fenton, mother of Sen. Jon Ossoff (D-GA), confirming that she had gotten some priceless footage of her son and his friends in their “absolutely adorable” outfits. “I’ll admit, the speaker system was pretty spotty so you couldn’t always hear what they were saying, and the A/C stopped working halfway through so I stepped out for about half an hour, but you could really see all the hard work they put into this, and I just couldn’t be more proud of them.”

“I’m not sure anyone who wasn’t a friend or family member would have enjoyed it,” Fenton continued. “But it made them feel like they could make a difference, and that’s the most important thing.”

The Onion