Opinion: I work out topless because it makes me stronger not because I like the attention

By @Conrad_Lifts

Hey everyone! How’s it going? Fair warning: I’m still buzzing with endorphins after my second F45 class of the day, so apologies for any twpos! Regardless, I’ll do my best to convey the very real reason I go sans shirt when working out – I do it because it makes me stronger, not because I like the attention.

When I first started working out (and wore shirts), I weighed 145lb and I could barely lift a thing (pathetic!) Then, I started working out topless and I instantly noticed my muscle mass increase. Now, I’m a solid 195 who can bench my husband and his ex, no problem! Sure, I’m built like a 90’s cartoon superhero, with an eight pack so defined it makes you wonder who hurt me, but I swear I don’t wear a shirt when using a child’s jungle gym for resistance training because I’m peacocking – it’s because I couldn’t do my handstand pushups on the monkey bars (upside down) while everyone is watching, with one on. It’s a classic Samson/hair situation.

Here are the facts:

Shirts weigh you down and when you want to look like a Greek statue with internalized homophobia, you need to target specific muscle groups! You don’t realize it but your average t-shirt is 0.8125 pounds which makes a difference when you’re trying to get your pecs bulbous enough to house a baby bird between them. And even though you tried cutting a shirt into a loose fitting skank tank (and those flimsy straps made onlookers wonder why you bothered wearing a shirt at all) that top is interfering with your gainz. Take it off.

Fact two: shirts make you hot. Especially when you’re running those hills at Riverdale on a sunny afternoon when most people are there to enjoy the space or along those busy streets during rush hour. You think you have extra UV protection with your shirt on but no! You don’t! Most importantly, you won’t be able to maximize your workout and slip into beast-mode if you’re too worried about tan lines. I guess you could workout at less busy times or when it isn’t as hot out but if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around and that tree has abs, did it even make a sound?

So, there you have it: I swear working out topless makes you stronger. And I swear being built like a gladiator has an everyday application. Besides, your goal is to get so big no shirt can contain your muscles anyways so better get used to not wearing one!

Phew! Glad I got that off my (chiseled) chest. Now, I can’t wait for gyms to open up again so that everytime I lift weights I can grunt like a fucking cow shitting out a fully decorated christmas tree, which I swear is essential for lifting and not because its a cry for attention.

Beaverton