RALEIGH, NC—Aquiver with anticipation as they entered their passcodes and then crossed their fingers, the nation’s populace reportedly eagerly logged online Monday to see if it had gotten any new emails, crying, “Oh boy, a new message!” upon discovery of each unread communiqué. “I sure can’t wait to get a look at that inbox and see if any electronic mail has arrived!” said 55-year-old North Carolina resident Damon Washington as he excitedly booted up his tablet, sharing in the delight of Americans from every corner of the country who were seen rubbing their hands together at the prospect that a new piece of digital correspondence might await them. “The best part is you never know what’s gonna be in there. Might be a promotional offer from one of your favorite retailers, might be a reminder about an upcoming eye doctor appointment… might even be an electronic invitation to a party. But I don’t want to jinx it! Okay, I’m tapping on my bookmark to the email website, and it’s opening up! Here we go, here we go, here we go!” At press time, reports confirmed Washington was giddily replying to an email that notified him of updates to his insurance provider’s privacy policies.
Jesus Christ is King
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