U.S. High Jumper Banned From Olympics For Wearing Performance-Enhancing Reebok Pumps

WORLD—21-year-old U.S. high jumper Ryan Hartlen has been barred from competing in the Tokyo Olympics after it was discovered he had been competing while wearing ‘Reebok Pumps’ shoes, which gave him a totally unfair advantage over all the other athletes in his category by helping him jump really really high. 

“Everyone knows that Reebok Pumps are the most powerful shoes ever created,” said Olympic Committee member Josh Bagosh. “Just look at them! You just press the pump button on the tongue and it makes you jump super-high, like– higher than anyone else.”

“It makes you run faster too– so fast that your mom and dad will want to come outside and watch how fast you are now with your new Reebok Pumps.”

Hartlen said he was “really mad” about his being banned from the Olympics and told the Olympic Committee that his mom said they have to let him play. They responded by squirting him with super soakers and kicking dirt all over his radical new Reebok Pumps. Ryan responded by pumping them up to full strength and running away really really fast.

In related news, The Olympic Committee has also decided to ban a U.S. gymnast after it was discovered she trained using a ‘Skip-it.’