TALLAHASSEE, FL—Fleets of rescue helicopters, speedboats, and school buses rushed to evacuate more than 21 million Florida residents Tuesday after the entire state—from the panhandle all the way down to Miami and the Keys—was declared structurally unsound and condemned by inspectors. “Go! Go! Go! We haven’t got much time before this whole thing collapses!” shouted civil engineer Roy Sandoval, who was helping to oversee the rescue of Floridians following a report that found no building in the state was up to code and structural damage was so pervasive that nothing in its 65,758 square miles was worth salvaging. “Whoever developed and built Florida clearly had no idea what they were doing. This place is not fit for human habitation. It’s a death trap. We need to get these people to safe ground immediately, because it’s not a matter of if Florida will cave in upon itself, but when. Honestly, the fact that it hasn’t already broken apart and crumbled into the sea is a miracle.” Documents obtained by the press confirmed that the last time Florida underwent a proper inspection was just before its application for statehood was approved in 1845.
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