Bummer: Bowser Is Sending Bowser Jr. To Military School After He Got His High School Girlfriend Pregnant

Ever since his first appearance back in Super Mario Sunshine, fans have delighted in the playful, mischievous antics of Bowser Jr. as he teams up with his father to finally defeat Mario once and for all. Well, sadly, that time may be coming to an end because the little scamp we all know has grown up into quite the troubled teen, and now Bowser has finally thrown the hammer down, shipping Junior off to military school after finding out he got his high school girlfriend pregnant.

Looks like the Koopa Prince’s carefree youth is over forever.

While some may think Bowser’s punishment is harsh, we have to admit Bowser Jr. fucked up pretty bad here. His girlfriend, Kayla, is only 15 years old, and while we try to stay sex positive here, it’s a pretty irresponsible thing to risk your entire future the way they did. Junior needs to learn about responsibility and being an adult now, and the strict education he’ll receive at King Bob-omb’s Military Academy should instill the values he’ll need to take care of a child and be the provider for a family of his own.

We would never celebrate a teen pregnancy like this, but in the long run, this might be best for Bowser Jr. He was hanging around with some friends who are a pretty bad influence on him, like that little whore Baby Birdo. In fact, she was probably the one who pressured Junior and Kayla into this. Just a few months ago, Bowser Jr. had been grounded after Bowser found some pot and a 24-pack of Michelob Ultra hidden in his castle keep. Junior was headed down a bad road, so hopefully getting up at 5 a.m. to run laps and memorizing Koopa Paratrooper strategy is the wake-up call he needs to get his life together.

A lot of families or kids like them might try to preserve their future by going the abortion route, but unfortunately, Bowser’s strict evangelical Christian beliefs make that a no-go. He may be angry now, and Lord knows he fucked up, but ten years down the line, Bowser Jr. may realize this was the best thing to ever happen to him. Then, hopefully, we can see him back in the Smash Bros. lineup where he belongs.

The Onion