TOWSON, MD—Drawing looks of scorn, terror, and bewilderment, local freak Adam Campbell demonstrated that actually knew how big an acre is, shocked sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s 43,560 square feet,” said the 31-year-old absolute fucking weirdo, who put friends ill at ease as he answered what was originally posed as a rhetorical question with unsettling confidence and precision. “Or a simpler way to think about it is a big square that’s about 208 feet on both sides,” added the strange specimen who would be better off displayed in a glass case in a museum than be permitted to roam among normal everyday men and women with his startling knowledge of the agricultural unit. “It comes from the amount of land one farmer and one ox could plow in a single day,” said the human aberration, who now visibly repulsed those gathered as they speculated in horror that the ghastly being standing before them probably also knew exactly what constituted a peck and a bushel. At press time, sources had toppled their chairs and fled from the room after Campbell had begun describing acre’s etymological origin from the proto-Germanic word for field.
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