Friends, Family Worried Rock-Bottom Scottie Pippen Will End Up With Own ESPN Morning Show

MALIBU, CA—Expressing concern over a recent spate of social media outbursts and drunken interviews, friends and family were reportedly worried Thursday that Scottie Pippen’s downward spiral would lead to the former Bulls star hosting an ESPN morning show. “Scottie doesn’t look like himself lately, and I’d hate for him to sink to hosting a debate show with Rachel Nichols,” said a source close to Pippen, speaking on the condition of anonymity, who hoped to prevent the NBA Hall of Fame inductee from spending the rest of his life debating trivial topics in a sterile Bristol, Connecticut studio. “The absolute worst-case scenario is him wearing some stupid hat because he lost a bet to Kendrick Perkins. I’d hate to see an all-time great—and a friend— reduced to regurgitating talking points and screaming uninformed opinions. If he keeps pushing his tell-all book and bourbon brand so aggressively, it’ll only lead to him struggling to work an ESPN touchscreen.” At press time, Pippen’s loved ones hosted an intervention after the seven-time NBA All-Star drunkenly set up a green screen in his basement.

The Onion