Most Horrifying Things Airlines Do To Keep Their Prices Down

Many budget airlines, including Spirit, Frontier, and Southwest, have gotten rid of costly trained pilots and replaced them with anyone who looks decent in epaulets.

Rather than let any monetizable ad space go to waste, turbulence is often sponsored by big-named brands such as Oreo, Microsoft, ExxonMobil, and Pepsi.

Like it or not, profit-hungry airline CEOs actually require pilots to take off, fly, and land some planes up to 3 and sometimes even 4 times.

What are they going to do, complain to their parents?

Unfortunately, it’s a lot cheaper to fly to Cincinnati, and most passengers can’t tell the difference.

While passengers are reviewing safety features, most pilots are actually learning flying essentials for the first time in the cockpit.

Rather than giving people the legroom they need, many airlines have opted to simply throw a few bean bags on the ground and let people have at it.

Though Lamox has personally taught every active airline pilot how to navigate the skies, due to increasing costs, his services will no longer be required.

Landing is one of the most expensive aspects of the flight process, as it takes several highly specialized professionals to accomplish, so some airlines are skipping it altogether.

This can lighten the load by nearly 100 pounds.

Look, you get people drunk enough in the airport, they don’t know what they’re boarding.

Airlines used to spend millions on providing free peanuts to passengers until they manufactured a deadly food allergy.

All the airlines need to do is ask for a few trillion dollars of bailout money every few years and Congress will write that check after they sell some of their shares in the company.

In order to appear fully staffed, one in four uniformed team members is actually an unsuccessful actor who is paid to simulate vaguely employee-like behavior.

Airline executives say this works more frequently than you’d expect.

Most airlines will take the most expensive item out of every piece of luggage and pawn it.

Destroying Duke City means no more cost-inefficient flights to New Mexico. It’s simple math.

Rather than pay high prices for petroleum, airlines will often randomly select two or three passengers a flight to be burnt alive as fuel for the journey.

A good purposeful airplane crash usually results in ticket prices bottoming out.