Shocking Things No One Told You About Childbirth

It’s excruciating, but don’t be surprised if the baby doesn’t just slide out. Sometimes you’ll have to count to ten before it’s over, or in extreme cases, even say the alphabet twice.

Patient privacy laws and hospital guidelines generally do not apply when dealing with spectators who just want to come into your room a look at something gnarly.

Childbirth is the single most comfortable, easiest biological process to perform, and people who scream are just being dramatic.

Every 1 in 2 billion babies is completely made of gold.

While people imagine the cord coming apart with just a little snip, it actually must be slowly severed with a plasma torch over several hours.

The legendary sports announcer sits inside every delivery room to give a riveting play-by-play of the childbirth.

Newborn babies have sharp heads that rotate extremely quickly in order to tunnel themselves out of your uterus.

During labor, a stubborn baby will often stick its hand outside the vagina, flip off the doctor, and then refuse to come out until it’s given a reward.

We’re just as surprised as you are.

Although you may feel like screaming during painful contractions, doctors will immediately shush you so other hospital patients can die in peace.

Nurses are often too busy to bring you your specific baby after birth, so they will just bring the same baby around to different mothers as a symbolic gesture until yours is ready for pickup.

After being stuck inside for 9 months, newborns will inevitably ask if they can borrow the car, hit the road, and go hang out with some friends.

When the baby comes out ugly, the hospital is legally obligated to keep them inside to protect them from being judged by society’s high beauty standards.

It was just once when you were two months pregnant at your sister’s wedding, but babies never forget when their mother tries to poison them.

A comprehensive birth plan detailing personal wishes should be written up so doctors can ignore it in favor of rushing you into a C-section.

The comfortable casual wear developed in utero may not dissolve, causing the baby to emerge from the birth canal with flannel shirts or leggings intact.

Whether it’s a complicated cocktail or something as simple as a can of Coors Light, you’ll have no choice but to politely sip it if you want to get a buzz on.

With Hulu, Amazon, and Netflix on your tail, don’t be surprised if you see a Deadline article the next day with a huge picture of you in labor.

The doctors and nurses are usually too busy to stop you.

Be sure to tell all your childless friends!