WASHINGTON, D.C.—Health officials are sounding the alarm over rapidly-increasing COVID cases this week as the Delta variant of the virus continues to wreak havoc across the nation. The latest numbers show the prevalence of the virus has doubled this week from a total of two cases to four.
“The data keeps coming in, and it doesn’t look good,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci. “We’re seeing a 100% increase in cases! That’s double, two-fold, 2x, twice as many! I don’t want to sound alarmist, but it’s very likely we’ll all be dead by Labor Day.”
Fauci said the increasing numbers seem to be the result of pandemic fatigue causing people to let down their guard and engage in risky behaviors like leaving the house or breathing. He urged Americans to remain vigilant in order to end the pandemic as soon as possible.
“Getting vaccinated is the key to getting back to normal,” Fauci pleaded with the nation. “All we need you to do is go and get yourself vaccinated. Well, that and social distance, quit your job, reduce your carbon footprint, wear three masks, vote Democrat, and sacrifice your firstborn child to Molech in the hopes that he shows mercy upon you. Why is that so hard for everyone?”
In related news, officials in Canada say they are dealing with an apocalyptic surge of “literally infinity percent” after COVID cases increased from zero to one this week. “Our nation may never recover from this,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
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