NORTHBROOK, IL—Frustrated by his obvious level of intoxication, Ms. Pac-Man could reportedly tell within moments that the man currently operating her Friday was drunk as fuck. “Christ, as soon as this dude slammed his meaty paw down on the ‘one player’ button, I knew he was completely hammered,” said Ms. Pac-Man, noting that the “drunken schlub” would most likely steer her straight into a ghost within seconds of beginning to play. “When you’ve been hanging out in bars as long as I have, you know instinctively when you’re in the hands of some shit-faced loser who can barely find his way to a power pellet. Somebody better order this guy some garlic knots or something to soak up the booze or I swear he’s going to end up throwing up on the joystick.” At press time, Ms. Pac-Man was reportedly horrified after seeing the inebriated man get behind the wheel of Pole Position.
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