NordicTrack Recreates Outdoor Running Experience With Treadmill Covered In Dog Poop

LOGAN, UT—Employing state-of-the-art technology to recreate an authentic outdoor running experience, the exercise equipment manufacturer NordicTrack reportedly unveiled a new treadmill Friday that comes covered in dog shit. “For runners who want the thrill of dodging feces, litter, and broken glass from the comfort of their own living room, we are proud to announce the NordicTrack XCRMNT Trainer,” read a press release that accompanied the launch, explaining how the device’s rubber belt will be of uneven thickness and covered in various holes and vomit in order to simulate an immersive street running experience. “As part of our mission to give users the sense of what it’s like to jog outside, the treadmill will be equipped with built-in water jets so they can relive being unexpectedly rained on in the middle of their run. You can also connect your Bluetooth headphones and listen to the sounds of horns honking, dogs barking, and pedestrians shouting obscene remarks. And, on top of that, we’ve added a revolutionary halting system, so customers can once again feel what it’s like to have to stop their workout every few minutes while they wait for a traffic light to change.” The press release went on to mention that the company would soon be releasing a premium version of the product that would allow indoor runners to experience getting hit by a car.

The Onion