CNN Introduces Premium Subscription Service That Blocks All CNN Programming From View

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has unveiled an exciting new subscription service, CNN+, that blocks all CNN programming from view for the low, low price of $15 per month. 

The move is expected to save CNN from bankruptcy, as the highly anticipated feature already has millions of sign-ups. Many thought CNN would not recover from the post-Trump years, but it appears people will actually pay not to have to ever see CNN again.

“We’re giving the people what they want,” said Brian Stelter. “And what they want, apparently, is to see a whole lot less of me.”

Subscribers will never again have to see a CNN broadcast, whether they’re at the airport, a hotel lobby, or they accidentally surf on by the channel while trying to turn into a real news station. Advanced streaming technology allows CNN+ to detect when a subscriber is in the vicinity of a public television playing CNN, and the system will automatically block all programming from view.

People who subscribe to the higher tiers of the subscription platform will get additional perks, like three throws at Brian Stelter perched above a dunk tank. Oh, and it’s filled with alligators!