Joel Osteen Decides To Diversify His Portfolio And Not Invest All His Treasure In Heaven

HOUSTON, TX—Portfolio diversification: It’s a basic principle of investing. Unfortunately, many Christians believe they’re supposed to put all their treasure in Heaven, which simply is not smart investing. Pastor Joel Osteen, though, is promoting a stronger portfolio.

“Treasure in Heaven is pretty good, because there rust and moths can’t get it and thieves can’t steal it,” Osteen said. “But there’s a big disadvantage to that treasure: You can’t exchange it for a Ferrari or a mansion—not an earthly one, at least, like I got, and it is glorious.”

Osteen wants Christians to remember that eternity is a while away (hopefully), and you can’t just put all your eggs in that basket. “You have to live your best life now, and that means you need your treasures closer—nothing’s more illiquid than a mutual fund. If you put your treasures in Heaven, that’s even harder to get into than a 401(k).”

Osteen also reminded people of the Bible verse “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

“I like to keep my heart near my 17,000 square foot mansion and my V12 engine, because those are awesome,” Osteen said.