Dozens Of Athletes Incinerated After Being Attracted To Sight Of Glowing Olympic Flame

TOKYO—Wide-eyed and moving in a trance-like state as the bright light drew them forth, dozens of athletes were incinerated Friday during the opening ceremony of the Olympics, with reports confirming the world-class competitors were unable to resist the tantalizing glow of the Olympic flame. “It is with a heavy heart that I inform you at least 87 Olympians burned to death at the conclusion of the torch relay, when the lighting of the ceremonial cauldron created a hypnotic radiance that simply proved too alluring for them,” said International Olympic Committee president Thomas Bach, who explained that wave upon wave of athletes clambered over one another and into the symbolic fire, resulting in mass death by immolation. “They were so transfixed by the warm incandescence of the Olympic flame that they failed to realize you can’t just throw yourself into the fire. To the families of those we lost, please know that your loved ones did let out a soft moan of half-pleasure before the blaze consumed them completely.” To avoid repeating the tragedy during the closing ceremonies, Tokyo’s Olympic organizing committee said it would replace the cauldron’s flame with a looped jumbotron video of a living-room fireplace.

The Onion