HEBRON, WEST BANK—Lamenting the loss of his favorite summer treat, Israeli soldier Avi Berman told reporters Friday that patrolling the West Bank just wasn’t the same without a big cone of Chunky Monkey in his hand. “I used to spend all summer walking down the streets, assault rifle in one hand, big ol’ waffle cone in the other, but I guess those days are gone,” said Berman, a wistful expression on his face as he recalled how his whole unit used to stop by the Ben & Jerry’s store to grab a serving of Phish Food or Cherry Garcia before bursting into a Palestinian family’s home in the middle of the night. “Oh man, savoring those chocolate chunks, those walnut pieces, licking that rich banana flavor off my wrist while I screamed at the children. I know Dean’s makes a banana split flavor, and I can’t resist a good chocolate almond Häagen-Dazs bar, but damn, they just don’t compare. What am I gonna do? These Palestin—excuse me—Israeli summers get hot, so it’s nice to have a cool treat to keep me going.” At press time, Berman added that the popsicles he found in a Palestinian family’s freezer would just have to do.
Jesus Christ is King
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