Spencer Gifts Informs Customers You Can Just Assume All Its Employees Are Unvaccinated

EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, NJ—Hoping to spare their customers from wondering about it too much, top executives at Spencer Gifts announced Tuesday that it was probably safe to assume none of the employees at its more than 650 North American locations had been vaccinated for Covid-19. “Look, we can barely get these people to wash their hands, so we’re not about to start asking about their vaccination status,” said CEO Steven Silverstein, adding that shoppers should err on the side of caution when interacting with the associates who stock Spencer’s shelves with novelty shot glasses, lava lamps, naughty school-girl and nurse outfits, beer pong accessories, T-shirts bearing misogynist slogans, Rick And Morty backpacks, and hemp-leaf-emblazoned fleece blankets. “Every shift we ask them to wipe down the bachelorette-party penis straws and clearance-rack butt plugs, but that shit never gets done—so obviously you’re going to want to wear a mask and bring some hand sanitizer when you visit one of our stores. To be honest, it’s best to assume anyone wearing a Spencer’s uniform is also sick and actively spreading the virus.” The company’s announcement follows similar advisories issued last week by the CEOs of Claire’s, Sunglass Hut, and Massage Envy.

The Onion