Brought to you by:
You may have heard that kids from kindergarten all the way through college will be required to wear masks when they go back to school this fall. You may also have a problem with this because you aren’t wise in the ways of science like we are. It’s ok– we’re here to help.
Here are eight reasons masking is a must.
1) Kids aren’t real people and they don’t have any feelings: Kids are pretty much just noise and snot factories. They won’t even remember this time in their lives, so you’re definitely not traumatizing them or anything.
2) Kids try to manipulate you with their cute little faces: Take control by covering those faces up!
3) It’s never too early to teach complete, unquestioning loyalty to the government: It’s the most important virtue.
4) Breathing in CO2 all day will make them more complacent and easier to indoctrinate: That’s when you can fill their brains with race and gender theory!
5) As white kids struggle to breathe, you can remind them that every breath of oxygen they take could have been taken by a student of color: You can then remind the students of color that the white kids are stealing all their oxygen.
6) Masks muffle kids’ annoying voices: Kids are always asking questions, like “why are you making us wear masks?” in their little annoying voice. Muffle that noise and give yourself some peace and quiet.
7) Since your students are already conveniently masked, you can take them to participate in the local Antifa rally: Burning businesses is the best way for students to learn about peaceful civic action.
8) Masks will help everyone look more gender-neutral: This will help students embrace their true identity without biological identity getting in the way.
Just put on the mask and don’t ask any more questions. HAIL SCIENCE!
NOT SATIRE: Want to skip the mask requirements? Praxis is a year-long apprenticeship program that matches you with a full-time, paid job at a growing startup. The program offers a direct route into entrepreneurial careers for driven young people without the cost and hassle of college. Praxis is a fully remote program, and will never mandate masks or vaccines.
Babylon Bee readers can earn a $1,000 tuition scholarship to a 2021 cohort and join hundreds of successful college opt-outs.
Click here for more information on the program and this limited-time scholarship offer.
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.