Quiz: Are you living on the beach that makes you old or have you just not slept in a couple days?

M. Night Shyamalan is back with a new thriller that blurs the line between fiction and reality as we, the audience, start to question whether we are living on some sort of plain that makes one age fast, or if we are simply exhausted and look like a drunk, bloated raccoon. Here’s how to tell if magic is making you old faster than you’d like, or if you simply need a nap.

1. You look in the mirror and notice a few extra wrinkles. How would they have gotten there?

I don’t know! I had baby smooth skin before this trip to the beach. I’m only 23. I’m scared!

Those are bags under my eyes from working a double shift. Oof. Hey, I heard they were back in style from TikTok, so might as well stay awake now!

2. You see a decomposing body nearby. Is it possible you’re hallucinating this?

No way. That’s my best friend Denise! She died 30 minutes ago and now she’s almost bone! Get me out of here!

Oh yeah, now that I rub my eyes, it’s definitely just my roommate who’s taking a nap. I really gotta take one of those at some point.

3. Your belly is swelling at an alarming rate! Could you be pregnant?

Yikes! I definitely feel some kicking in there. I’m not ready to be a mom!

Definitely not pregnant ‘cause I haven’t gotten laid in quite a few months. I did have dairy though, that mixed with my fatigued digestive system makes me look like I ate a balloon.

4. Is your husband Gael Garcia Bernal?

Yes, and he’s getting wrinkly! My poor, sweet, handsome husband!

Yes! Oh wait, no. I dozed off and dreamt we were married again… those piercing eyes. Mmm.

5. You’re getting hot flashes and an irregular period. Are you already going through menopause?

I think so. I’ve also been having mood swings. I can’t stop aging! Help!

I thought I was, and was like “YES!! GOODBYE PERIOD.” But turns out I was just grumpy and spotting because my body is desperate for rest.

Check Results

Quiz: Are you living on the beach that makes you old or have you just not slept in a couple days?

I hate to break it to you, but you’re on that beach from Old.

We didn’t actually go and watch the movie yet because we’re gonna go see Black Widow for the second time later, so I don’t know how to help you. I’d say just enjoy the good weather and hope your skeleton is in a sexy position for the next family that finds you!

Quiz: Are you living on the beach that makes you old or have you just not slept in a couple days?

You just haven’t slept in a few days

Your body is doing all sorts of things to look and feel haggard. Just get in that bed and let yourself rest, goddamn it! Fucking twentysomethings, thinking they’re invincible.

Beaverton