Archaeologists Unearth Connection Cards Jesus Passed Out After Sermon On The Mount

ISRAEL—Archaeologists working in Israel have made an incredible discovery: they have found the connection cards Jesus passed out after absolutely brutalizing the crowd with his famous Sermon on the Mount.

“It seems Jesus preached his classic sermon and then passed these out so his followers could get on his email list,” said one archaeologist at the dig site as he pulled another 500 of the cards out of a hole in the ground. “Fascinating!”

One particularly interesting card was filled out by a “Judas Iscariot,” who had checked off a box indicating that he was interested in serving in financial ministries. “Wonder what became of this guy,” said one researcher.

According to scholars, the cards helped Jesus maintain contact with his followers and build his celebrity following. He was able to notify them en masse whenever he had a big-time speaking engagement, television appearance, or new ghostwritten book to sell.

At publishing time, archaeologists had further uncovered the sleek flatscreen TV Jesus had behind him displaying each of his sermon points as he preached.