Health Experts Point To Gollum As Model Citizen For Excellent Social Distancing Practices

U.S.—Health experts in the U.S. have been encountering resistance in the population as many people don’t want to stop living their lives due to the virus. So, they’ve been searching for spokespeople to point toward in hopes that Americans will finally listen to their expert advice. Finally, they located one creature they believe is a “model citizen” and “the very picture of health”: Gollum, a Stoor Hobbit who lived in total isolation for 471 years.

“If Americans would just act more like Gollum, locking themselves away from sunlight and fresh air for five centuries, we would be able to beat this pandemic,” said one health expert, Dr. Bob Lindelhooven. “Instead, we have people throwing massive 111th birthday parties and not even caring about what we have to say.”

Gollum has been awarded the CDC’s prestigious Health Hero Award for his exemplary behavior during this pandemic.

Experts also pointed to Bilbo Baggins as a negative example of good health practices, as he was radicalized by QAnon member Gandalf the Grey. “Before Gandalf, the Bagginses were very well-thought-of in the health community,” said Lindelhooven. “They never had any adventures or did anything unexpected.” According to researchers, though, now the Bagginses go running about without even checking the CDC website for guidance first.