‘NOOOOO!!!’ Screams Imprisoned Elon Musk As Evil Clone Praises China, Denounces Bitcoin

UNDISCLOSED—”Huh? Where am I?” billionaire Elon Musk said in a slurred voice as he awoke from a tortured rest. He winced and groaned as he felt anew the pain from the bruises on his face and all over his body. He tried to reach up and touch his face, but found he was tied to a chair. 

“Oh. Oh man.”

Musk had a vague memory of a black car pulling up near his Texas home and some men in black getting out, beating him up, and throwing him in the car. “I’ve got to get out of here! My Twitter fans need to hear my thoughts on how great Dogecoin is! And think of all the based memes they’re missing out on!”

“Oh, don’t worry,” said a man in a black suit and sunglasses, stepping out of the shadows. “We’ve taken good care of your public appearance while you’ve been… away.”

“Who are you! What did you do to me?” Musk shouted, rocking back and forth in the chair. “Let me go! I have to go buy more Bitcoin!”

“Oh. I don’t… think you’ll be… buying Bitcoin anytime soon, Mister… Musk. Take a look.”

The man then turned on a television, and there, to his horror, Musk saw himself. Or, rather, someone who looked like himself. “Yes, Mister… Musk. We’ve perfected cloning technology over the past… few years. You might say… nobody will ever miss you.”

Musk watched in horror as his evil clone held a press conference praising China, denouncing Bitcoin, and talking about the need for a globalist society where we all work together for a greener future under the watchful eye of an increasingly powerful one-world order.

“And don’t worry… we’ve taken the liberty of unfollowing The Babylon Bee on Twitter for you.”

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!”