VANCOUVER – Acknowledging the failure of typical animal control measures to quell a spate of violent coyote attacks over the last few months in Stanley Park, the City of Vancouver has decided to sacrifice one jogger every year to the canines in exchange for peace.
“Vancouver is a large metropolitan city, it can spare a single jogger every year in order to regain unfettered access to the park for everyone else,” said Devon Black, the head of Canis latrans relations for the Vancouver Board of Parks and Recreation. “The coyotes like to bite joggers, so we simply give them one of our many joggers to bite and… whatever else they plan to do with their jogger. That’s their jogger, and their business.”
“Look, it’s important that we not dwell on how the park is going to be safe again, and instead all make an effort to just be glad it is.”
Negotiations between the city and the coyotes were tense, given the inability of the city’s negotiator to understand the coyotes’ yips and howls and the offence taken by the coyotes when the negotiator did not partake in the upended trashcan buffet they had thoughtfully provided during the talks. But once the coyotes were able to make it clear what they wanted, the city was more than happy to capitulate to such a simple demand.
While many denizens of Vancouver are uncomfortable with municipal authorities engaging in this kind of extreme utilitarianism, others are happy to be able to stroll safely around the seawall again.
“I haven’t felt comfortable being here in months, but now that I know this new arrangement has been made, I can finally enjoy the park again,” said Kyle Petterson, a West End resident. “And yeah, I feel bad for whoever ends up drawing the short straw, but someone’s gotta take one for the team.”
At press time, Petterson had been informed that he was selected to be this year’s tribute and was being chained inside the Hollow Tree by dozens of his fellow park goers while screaming “it isn’t fair” and “it isn’t right” and “I’m not even a jogger, I’m a power walker.”
Jesus Christ is King
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