There comes a time in every Christian’s life when he must make an important decision: What kind of firearm should I buy? Well, here’s a guide to help you know which gun is right for you.
Glock: What if you miss on the first shot? What if you miss on the second shot? What if you miss on the next ten shots? Fortunately, you can fit like 1,000 bullets in a Glock. And it’s made of plastic; make sure to recycle it after you’re done. We don’t want a landfill full of Glocks.
Perfect for: People too lazy to reload
Walther PPK: Look at this little gun. And it has such a cute little name. What an adorable thing to put in your purse.
Perfect for: British secret agent or a small American child
Civil War Cannon: Why waste all that time shooting a bunch of little tiny bullets when you can shoot one big bullet the size of a coconut? This is a great option for the gentleman connoisseur of fine-aged weaponry.
Perfect for: Those with mutton-chop facial hair and a love for exploding things
.44 Magnum: Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? More importantly, do you feel like shooting through a car windshield? The .44 magnum is the most powerful handgun in the world… or it was like back in the ’70s. There are a lot more large, unwieldy guns to pick from now, but this is a classic.
Perfect for: Cops who get the job done even if they don’t follow all the rules
Shotgun: Are you not very good at aiming? Maybe you have bad eyesight. You can’t really see what you want to shoot, but you know you want it dead. Then a shotgun is right for you. It’s great at close range (though the CDC doesn’t recommend shooting people at close range during a pandemic).
Perfect for: Farmers who need to force people to marry their daughters
Plasma Rifle: If aliens invade, you need a plasma rifle, since, as everyone knows, shooting aliens is way cooler with a plasma rifle. You can also use them to light cigars and heat casseroles at potlucks. Very useful.
Perfect for: Space Marines, Ellen Ripley, and people who smoke cigars
1911: An old, old design (the name refers to how it was first made 500 years ago in 1911). This gun is for people who are stuck in the past and don’t care for newfangled things like TikToks and Twitters. No, you shoot those things — you shoot them with your 1911.
Perfect for: Old men who long for the good old days when men were men and there weren’t any of these other fake genders.
Desert Eagle: It’s big. It’s shiny. It’s not really practical for anything. But it’s big. And shiny.
Perfect for: People compensating for something
AR-15: The AR stands for “Assault Rifle” and the 15 stands for how many people you can assault with it at once. Deadlier than the AR-14 (but not quite as deadly as the AR-16), the AR-15 is a fun gun everyone enjoys. I have six because I’m always misplacing them.
Perfect for: Absolutely everyone
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